Posted: January 12 2005 at 2:47am | IP Logged

Aaron, It is nice to know you enjoy spreading your wealth, by awarding free T-shirts to those that can explain ill-conceived terms, frought with ironic paradox.   I can only presume this terminology originated at the darkest hour of night.  Please be advised these early morning hours are typically dominated by Chevy drivers, who are so fast they never need to sleep.

"Chillblain" is a term that originated with the Salvation Army, Chicago IL on January 18, 1981.  After multiple nights below 0 degrees, 3 homeless men collapsed in downtown Chicago.  They were brought to the Salvation Army main shelter, where they received immediate medical assistance.  The doctors discovered that all 3 subjects were suffering from swelling and sores, especially prevalent on their lower extremities.  After careful analysis, it was determined that the swell rates of the sores would increase dramatically when exposed to cold.    That was the most striking aberration.  The doctors could not explain why.    Since the beginning of time, cold would always decrease swelling.  But on this night of 1/18/81, the exact opposite occurred. 

Since these were homeless people, and the doctors were very intrigued, several tests were conducted.  The first test would determine what would occur to the swell rates when heat was applied.    The Salvation Army building possessed an antiquated heating system, and the building was 62 degrees.  The doctors needed higher temperatures, so they decided to bring the 3 subjects out to one of their new cars, an all-wheel drive Mitsubishi Evolunar Eclipse.  

They cranked up the heat, and drove around downtown Chicago at 3 AM.  They documented how the sores reacted to temperatures, and after 2 hours of testing, they determined a direct correlation between heat and sore size.   The more heat, the smaller the sore.  The more they drove the car, the more heat. 

Several other tests were run, which yielded inconclusive results.   So as the sun was rising on January 19, 1981, Dr. Hopton stated these damn "chillblains" must be extraterrestrial.   At which point all 3 homeless men took off by stealing the Doctor's Mitsubishi Evolunar Eclipse, as they thought they would be thrown into a government experiment.    The car was white, and last seen driving west.    A reward has been offered.  If anyone has seen a white Mitsu Evo with a homeless man driving, please call the authorities.

TO FURTHER CLARIFY, FOR THE SHORTBUS FOLKS:

Most commoners might be able to understand the term "chillblain" better by seperating the words:  chill and blain. Chill is defined as "a moderate but penetrating coldness".   Blain is defined as "an inflammatory swelling or sore".   That is the ironic paradox of this term, which was first uttered by Dr. Hopton on 1/19/81 at 6:47 AM.    Before that time, chills had always reduced blains, but in these 3 subjects, the chills increased the blains.   

So, the phrase "Drive the Chillblains out of your bones" means to drive so fast and hard that kinetic energy is transferred from vehicle engine (and heating apparatus) into the human body, which will reduce and/or eliminate any and all inflammatory swelling or sores on one's body.   If done correctly, the result is a constant state of euphoria, tempered only by checkered flags.  

Please advise if more clarification is needed on "driving chillblains out of your bones", and I will be happy to oblige. P.S. I am size large, just like my car  (large, as in large T-shirt)

Brent

Posted: January 19 2005 at 9:15am | IP Logged

Very nice, Brent...However, it is my sad duty to tell you that the shirt went to the first person to explain the term, and there were about 5 emails back to us within 20 minutes that laid out the definition. As to who "won" Bitterman's bizzare contest, I'm leaving figuring that out up to him.

However, I've got to say Brent's is the longest-winded response we got, which has got to count for something

Posted: January 21 2005 at 1:14am | IP Logged

"However, I've got to say Brent's is the longest-winded response we got, which has got to count for something " JW

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First let me say, I never shoot the messenger     Second, what does the longest winded response earn?

Sincerely, "Gonna shave 2 seconds at WSIR due to no shirt"  SLIDER

Posted: January 27 2005 at 1:56pm | IP Logged

john wrote: I'm not saying it's something you're going to want

what he needs are spare parts and some off-road tires..

Posted: January 27 2005 at 4:20pm | IP Logged

Oh John, I feel the warm fuzzies again.   I have never won anything in my life, my wife and kids are excited too.   They are excited because I just gave them the $200 I was going to spend on my psychiatrist tomorrow night, to lift my depression.   Who needs a pshrink when there is Speedventures? 

And speaking of  pshrink's, I think RyanO may need one soon, after his 550 HP, 2,900 LB, fully independent and cambered suspension ZO6 with slicks,  gets spanked by a lower HP, 3,500 LB live axled Camaro with Rcompounds. 

Sincerely, "Gonna shave 3 seconds off at WSIR before engine blows" Slider

Posted: January 28 2005 at 8:02am | IP Logged

shiiiiiiit.. you better worry about slocal beating you in his mustanger